struggling

I’ve been really struggling lately with some  of the decisions that I feel like were made in my marriage without me. When my daughter was born I had to have a repeat c-section due to my blood pressure. They gave an epidural and I reacted badly to it. I went out on the table and didn’t wake up for two very scary hours for my husband. They told him that if I woke up at all I would be brain damaged.

It’s been over two years and I want another baby. I miss my son. I adore my daughter, she is the joy of my life. I love being a mom. I love every bit of it. i even love the middle of night feedings where you are blearily trying to make sure you are feeding the right end of the baby.

My entire family was at Livy’s birth, so they all witnessed the whole scary mess. As a result, whenever I talk bout another baby, they all freak out. I realize they are scared, I’m a little scared too, but I guess I’m mostly just resentful that everyone else gets to decide what happens with my body.

I know, if I really pushed mike, he would say okay, but that’s not what I want. That is unfair to him. He is also resistant to the idea of adoption. I think he might just need some time to process it, but mostly, it just leaves me frustrated.

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